I still don’t know what people want, do they want to know how something was accomplished or do they want results. Only when reflecting, when the event has passed, do they want to know the disgusting details achievements bring with them, the layers of hidden geologic formation that is later packaged up as chance. When I was younger, I was an idiot, and I don’t mean youthful idiocy, I mean full on dumbass. It’s too harsh, naive is better. Or maybe something I used to tell people who fell in love with me, that my brain hadn’t really turned on yet. Somehow, in my fog of stupidity, I found the perfect metaphor. It never went over well as people do not like when you take blame away from yourself when they feel wronged by you. Over the years, blame for a deed, no matter how evil, has slipped away as a necessary judgement, just as I wouldn’t blame a rock for rolling down a hill when a rock slide happened because a goat was on a side of a hill running away from a mountain lion that just had a couple baby mountain lions who needed milk and so on. Life today is filled with micro inquisitions because we are all sadists, as sadists were the only ones to survive the last thousand or so years and pass their sadism onto their ancestors. We have to maintain tradition is what we keep being told. We have to move past tradition is what we keep being told. In places where they don’t have sand, do they say the phrase bury your head in the sand or do they say bury your head in the snow or in the leaves or something. It really pisses people off when you say you don’t blame people for their actions. Understandably, from a singular position, one has no choice but to see what happens in their own life with their own eyes, that actions bring results, that if I pee on some guys leg he will punch me in the face (as long as said man has at least one arm and one fist and so on). And as you zoom out, you come to the conclusion that the face and fist in question have trajectories based on an unlistable list of variables. Again, trying to explain myself here will only lead to pissed off faces and clenched fists. I’m not a lawyer and I wasn’t on the debate team. I don’t even think we had a debate team. The inverse idea is easier for some people to not get pissed off about, namely, not taking credit for achievements, leaving it up to god or fate or your team or whatever other deity is lying around on the floor. Humble is the word. But what is the word for being humble about a negative action, an evil deed? Why can’t I leave those actions up to fate and why can’t god take one for the team like he used to do in the old days? No, no, that is why it’s called the old testament, because it’s old school. Insanity, that’s all I am keeping at bay. Insanity, amassing itself like an army surrounding a castle, I only have a catapult of reason to launch at them and I never really took philosophy class and I didn’t go to a liberal arts college so what the fuck am I supposed to do? Do you still blame me?

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